Last night in my dream, my entire family (mom, dad, sister, brother, and sister-in-law) attended a high school graduation-like ceremony where Tina Fey and Amy Pohler were hosting… When Tina Fey walked in, someone asked me who she was and I said “oh that’s Liz Lemon” (her 30 Rock character) and she turned around and scoffed in a friendly, joking way; but I was still embarrassed.

While the crowd filed into the large auditorium, we were handed glasses of wine and offered delicious cake (it had sky blue buttercream frosting and colorful sprinkles). Being with my entire family (parents divorced and on bad terms) naturally, I wanted to get drunk so I downed my first glass. Once seated, my family uncomfortably polite, sat too close together and I exited at the first chance I got; when everyone was standing, applauding Tina and Amy. I scurried to the open bar to grab another drink when, my mom, seemingly out of her goddamn mind, stood up and hollered at me across the room. Causing a huge scene, she yelled at me to bring her a drink and get my ass back to my seat because she was about to go off on my sister. The black sheep of the family, my sister was, as usual, making things difficult. When I returned, my mom told me why (note: no one in the audience seemed to mind that my mom just made a giant fuss). My sister had just asked my dad for “nicotine” not cigarettes, not dip, just “nicotine”. This set off my mom and she began arguing with my dad, anger surging the more she spoke. At this point, my sister got up and left, unable to deal with my mom.

Extremely embarrassed of my family, I tried to sneak away to the front row to sit next to my… teacher? Not sure. And watch Tina and Amy’s performance in peace. While my mom and dad continued to fight, my brother and sister-in-law joined me in the front, just before the ceremony ended. While the crowd shuffled out, as unorganized as a herd of cats, waiters circled the event with more cake, which I happily accepted; well, it was more like I shoved people out of the way to get the cake that I wanted, which I did. I was about to start on my third piece, I became overwhelmed with insecurity. “I am fat” I thought, and put down the third piece of cake.

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